Content warning: mention of depression and suicide attempts.
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Among the many pieces of advice I received from my parents growing up, there are some that stood out in particular. One of them is related to the reasons why my mother continued working. In her own words, coming home from work and seeing her kids always reminded her why she goes to work in the first place. To both her and my father, the idea of coming home and not being able to see the reason why they worked so hard every day is an idea that neither of them can understand. In her own words, she once said to me,
“You have to have kids so you will know why you have to work hard.”
Though I personally do not share the same desire to have kids, I understand the importance of having something or someone be the reason you wake up every day. As someone who has spent a good portion of their life fulfilling goals set by other people, I find it easier to work for something when I know that there’s someone that relied on me. I’d like to blame my instinct as both the oldest child and grandchild of the family for it.
After graduating from university, I found myself no longer having clear goals in life. Before that, my goals were pretty simple — maintained good enough grades to still be in the top 10 ranks throughout junior to senior high school, be enrolled in one of the top universities in the country, graduate on time. To top it all off, I was never an ambitious person thus no longer having goals in life left me feeling quite lost for a good portion of my early 20s.
It didn’t get any easier as time goes by but I learned to cope with it better. Though there were days when I wished I didn’t have to wake up and several failed attempts to make that into reality, I continued on with my life as it is.
In December 2021, I made a decision to get a pet for the first time in my adult life. It was a quiet impulsive purchase after a friend sent me a message of them attending a local pet event. Afterward, I followed up on my impulse to contact the owner of one of the people who participated in said event, and only a week later, I went to their place to check on their rabbits.
The process happened quite fast. I asked which rabbit is safe to bring home and was given a small number of options. In the end, I left the place with several rabbit-related pieces of equipment and a male Holland lop. I named him Lulu and he was almost three months old when he first arrived at my place. As per the instructions, I decided against bothering him for the first two days to let him adjust better to the new environment. Fortunately for the both of us, I live alone thus there were fewer risks of him being shocked by a large number of new people.
The first week was a new and interesting experience for me. As someone who has lived alone for more than eight years, suddenly having to take care of a new individual is challenging. I remember spending nights comparing each type of hays, vitamins, and snacks available as well as purchasing a new and bigger cage for Lulu. I remember having to look up multiple guides on how to simply hold a rabbit to make sure that I’m not making him uncomfortable.
I remember waking up at seven in the morning to wash his cage for the first time, a feat that surprised my ex since he is fully aware of how difficult it is for me to wake up in the morning. Before that, I’ve told him that I started waking up earlier in order to feed Lulu. In addition, I’ve also cleaned up my balcony in order to grant me more space to wash Lulu’s equipment as well as fixed my dispenser that has been broken for almost two years. When my mom came over, she was surprised to see the dispenser able to serve cold water once again. When I told her that I decided to get it fixed because cool water is better for rabbits, she simply laughed and applauded the effort. I wonder if perhaps she is glad that I once again have a goal in life.
As I watched Lulu during his playtime, I often wondered what would happen to him should he got lost in the wild or if I disappeared. Would he be able to survive? The obvious answer is of course he wouldn’t. Rabbits are prey animals and are not natural hunters. I came to realize my impact on the little guy’s life and how much he relied on me. However, it took another event for me to realize the opposite of that statement.
I had a dream, or rather a nightmare, about Lulu. In it, he died in the most gruesome manner problem and I remember waking up in cold sweat. Immediately after that, I rushed to his room to find him all okay and waiting for me to give him his favorite treats.
It was at that moment that I realized that I depended on Lulu more than he depended on me. I didn’t realize just how lonely I was after separating from my boyfriend of seven years just mere two months before Lulu first arrived at home. As I held Lulu in my arms, I wondered what would happen to me should Lulu cease to exist. Would I still be able to wake up in the morning and go on with my life? Would I even be able to get another rabbit?
To me, Lulu is not just a pet or even a housemate. He’s the reason why I wake up every morning and go to work. He’s the reason why I’m able to bury the suicidal thoughts that often invaded my mind when I least expected them. Every time I had a breakdown, I would look up and found his little face staring at me with either confusion or curiosity. Perhaps I really don’t know how to live for myself and it is not right to burden such a tiny creature with a task as heavy as to support my mental health but for now, I’m thankful to have Lulu in my life and glad to have my life goal be to take care of him.
I love you so much, Lulu. Let’s be friends for a long time and please stop taking a dump directly in front of your litter box. Thank you for being in my life.
